“You love my brother more than me”
Anna, the mother of two children, says: “Every day after work, I go to the store to buy groceries and necessary things. At home, I begin to spread my purchases. My four-year-old son Nikita likes to watch this lesson. Having seen among the purchases diapers intended for the youngest child, he begins to shout: “You always buy something for Sasha, but nothing for me! It’s not fair!”
If there are two or more children in a family, parents often hear the phrase: “This is dishonest!” This can happen because you read the tales to the youngest child longer, allowed him to sleep longer in the morning, or gave him one cookie more than the older one. Children constantly consider how much sweets you give them and their brothers or sisters. They compare who you love more.
Parents find it difficult to cope with such rivalries between children because adults begin to doubt whether they treat their children fairly (although in reality they are struggling to be impartial). The desire to please both children puts great pressure on them. Parents also worry about the fact that the children do not like each other, and really want the children to get along with each other.
The reason for this rivalry between children is that none of them wants to share their parents’ love with anyone. Even if an older child loves his younger brother and eagerly plays with him, deep down he wants his parents to love him more.
The need to share parental love with brother and sister is a fact of life that older children must now put up with. Sometimes it makes them jealous and angry. Therefore, sometimes the fact that you bought diapers for the youngest child or gave him one cookie more, the older child sees that you love the younger one more. When a child is jealous, he may become hysterical, cry or behave badly to attract attention. In some cases, the older child may fight with the younger.
If this happens, you should immediately intervene. Tell the children: “You cannot fight in our family. You may feel angry, but you cannot hurt. You can express your anger with words. ” When the children continue to fight, tell them: “You cannot control yourself when you are together,” and take each child to different rooms. Let them play alone until they calm down.
If you hear children arguing in their room, do not rush to intervene. Wait a few minutes to see if they can solve the problem themselves. If you can’t, you need to step in to teach them to compromise. Children often do not know how to resolve conflicts.
When you intervene, don’t take sides. Sometimes parents support a younger or older child, thereby making one of the children feel less loved. It’s better to explain the rules of behavior with common phrases, for example: “We don’t take each other’s things” or “Play this toy in turn.”
Encourage children to talk about the problem. Each child can express their vision of the problem (and often these will be opposing opinions). Accept every child’s opinion. Say: “I understand that this is your point of view about what happened.” So you let the children understand that each person sees the situation in their own way, but at the same time, each point of view must be respected.
Encourage children to express feelings and talk to each other about their needs. Teach them to use phrases such as, for example: “I’m angry that you yourself switched the channel when I watched cartoons, and did not ask me.” The better children learn to express their emotions through words, the less they will resort to physical methods.
Offer children creative solutions to problems. For example, say: “I see that you both want to watch different programs on TV. What shall we do? ”Invite everyone to come up with a solution to the problem. For example, children can choose which program to watch, in turn. To do this, they can mark the days on the calendar when each of them chooses a program. So the children feel that the final decision is fair. Such methods help to find a compromise and peaceful solution in simpler questions, for example, who is the first to go swimming or who is the first to read mom at night.
When you respect the feelings of your children and help them find solutions together, over time they will learn to do it themselves. Your constant affection, the manifestation of love and the separate time that you devote to each child will help children feel loved.